Lately a lot of people have been forwarding
me videos about conspiracy theories that they believe in and they always say, “hey man,
it makes you think.” But there is a conspiracy out there that nobody’s been talking about
and it has to do with Celine Dion. Now I’m not here to disparage Celine Dion’s
talent—she has a beautiful voice and she’s a wonderful singer—it’s not really my kind
of music but I recognize that the talent is there. I also recognize that there’s something
very nefarious going on with her and it’s there if you listen very closely. Right now we’re listening to the Celine Dion
song “To Love You More.” It has a lovely, airy melody over the verse with a bed of synthesizers
underneath it, and it slowly, inexorably builds up to that dominant fifth that’s about to
resolve on the root for the big hook and the beginning of the chorus and… (Singing) That is a great hook! (Singing) I mean, it’s stirring and rousing and anthemic.
It’s even a little familiar, like maybe we’ve heard it before. Where have we heard it before? (Singing) That’s right, it’s the national anthem of
the Soviet Union! Let’s listen to that again: (Singing) Still not convinced? Well, let’s take a look
at the musical notation. Lay one piece on top of the other and you’ll see that there’s
a high degree of correlation. And as any good conspiracy theorist knows: correlation equals
causality. She’s been under our noses this whole time.
What do we really know about her? With that accent? French Canadian? (laughs) Well, Quebec is a socialist province, probably
in bed with remnants of the old KGB, they sent her down here to infiltrate our Lite
FM airwaves so we’d have to listen to her on our at-work radio stations while we’re
at work and our brains are at their weakest point! Now, I am not saying the Celine Dion is a
Cold War-era Soviet spy, part of a communist sleeper cell sent to destroy America from
within. I’m just seriously implying it. Makes you think. до свидания Do svidaniya.