jokes

Coronavirus State of Emergencies, Cheap Flights and Cancellations Coronavirus State of Emergencies, Cheap Flights and Cancellations

-You guys, we’re so glad he’s here. Bernie Sanders is my guest tonight. [ Cheers ] Senator — [ Applause ] And this is nice. Backstage he said that he watches me every night when he gets up to pee. Isn’t that nice? I thought that was so — I thought that was — -That’s…

Read More Coronavirus State of Emergencies, Cheap Flights and Cancellations

-I was running a bit behind today, so I thought if you guys wouldn’t mind, I’d like to write out my weekly thank-you notes right now. Is that okay with you guys? [ Cheers and applause ] The best. ♪ The best a man can get ♪ James, can I get some thank-you- note-writing music,…

Read More Thank You Notes: South Carolina State Flag, Super Tuesday

President Trump Is Purging The U.S. Government Of Anyone Not Blindly Loyal To Him President Trump Is Purging The U.S. Government Of Anyone Not Blindly Loyal To Him

WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WITH ALL THE NEWS ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS, I HOPE EVERYONE’S DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO STAY SAFE. IF YOU NEED INFORMATION ABOUT HOW TO STAY HEALTHY, DON’T ASK DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE WE’RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE PRESIDENT’S APPROACH TO WELLNESS FROM…

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Thank You Notes: Times Square Mascots, Empire State Building Thank You Notes: Times Square Mascots, Empire State Building

-Well, guys, it’s been crazy getting ready to do this special subway show, so I’ve fallen a bit behind with some personal stuff — you know, like, checking my inbox, returning e-mails, and of course, sending out thank-you notes. And so, since I was running a bit behind, I thought, if you guys wouldn’t mind,…

Read More Thank You Notes: Times Square Mascots, Empire State Building

Colbert’s LIVE Monologue Following Trump’s 2020 State Of The Union Address Colbert’s LIVE Monologue Following Trump’s 2020 State Of The Union Address

WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW,” EVERYBODY. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, AND WE ARE COMING TO YOU RIGHT NOW– THAT IS THE EXCITEMENT OF A LIVE SHOW, LIVE, RIGHT AFTER–( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RIGHT AFTER TONIGHT’S STATE OF THE UNION. THAT MEANS WE JUST WATCHED WHAT YOU JUST WATCHED. WE FELT WHAT YOU FELT!…

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Jimmy Recaps Trump’s State of the Union Address and Impeachment Acquittal Jimmy Recaps Trump’s State of the Union Address and Impeachment Acquittal

-Well, guys, last night, President Trump gave his State of the Union address. And, man, if you thought this season of “The Bachelor” had way too much drama, wow. [ Laughter ] The night started off perfectly icy enough when Nancy Pelosi extended her hand to Trump, and he wouldn’t shake it. Check it out…

Read More Jimmy Recaps Trump’s State of the Union Address and Impeachment Acquittal

Donald Trump’s State of the Union Address First Draft Outtakes Donald Trump’s State of the Union Address First Draft Outtakes

-Last night was President Trump’s State of the Union address, which we all saw on TV. But it turns out he did a rehearsal of the speech earlier in the day. And we actually got our hands on the footage. -Oh. -Yeah. And it was quite a bit different. But take a look. -Thank you,…

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Children’s Joke Telling Contest | Iowa State Fair 2012 Children’s Joke Telling Contest | Iowa State Fair 2012

>>IT’S BEAUTIFUL TODAY AT THE IOWA STATE FAIR, PERFECT TO SIT BACK AND TO LISTEN TO SOME FUNNY STORIES. >>WHAT ANIMAL JUMPS HIGHER THAN A HOUSE?>>I DON’T KNOW. WHAT ANIMAL?>>ANY ANIMAL. HOUSES CAN’T JUMP.>>WHY DID THE BUTTER COW CROSS THE ROAD? >>I DON’T KNOW.>>TO GET A “BUTTER” VIEW OF THE IOWA STATE FAIR.>>OH, PERFECT. >>KNOCK…

Read More Children’s Joke Telling Contest | Iowa State Fair 2012