And I say – drink it! You’ve got milk all over the place. It’s in the buckets, it’s in the tubs. It’s in the sink for crying out loud. That’s just for starters. Wait till I get another cow. – How do we wash up?
– Easy! – Easy how? We don’t get dirty instead. And besides, some use their tongue for that. – Right, not to mention they eat mice too.
– Ah… If this cow of yours was any smarter, we’d have soft drinks for milk. Like Pepsi for one thing. Or Kvas for another. And if you were any smarter, you’d have got some work done by now. I was going to, I was about to go hunting. Don’t you feel bad killing the poor animals? I do! And what if I can’t help my instincts stirring, making me yearn for the forest? Yeah, yeah, right. Ha-ha… – In fact, being hunted is what animals are for.
– Ah… I’ll be back in a bit, gonna kill me something yummy. If only Uncle Fyodor was here to see me! Go on already, you sorry hound. – Now then, what is this letter?
– Caw! – And this here?
– Caw! – Caw this one, will you?
– Caw! – And what’s this one?
– Caw! Enough! I’ve had enough of this! My life is never getting anywhere: I am like one of those serf maids. – Why is that?
– Here’s why! I have four evening gowns, silk ones, and I’ve nowhere to wear them. That’s it, that settles it. We are going to a spa tomorrow. Why go to a spa? We have a nice place of our own in Prostokvashino. Just think about it. Who’s there? Who’s that there? Nobody’s there. Nor is our Daddy ‘all there’ either. He won’t let us go to a spa. I don’t wanna go to a spa. I wanna go to Prostokvashino. What would you have me do in your Prostokvashino? Chop wood with an evening gown on? Or charm away at bulls? Enough! I’ve been sweating at the stove a year for you! I wanna go to a spa now! I want a break! Attention, please! The Moscow to Sochi train is departing from track four. A Prostokvashino-bound commuter train will depart from track five. I repeat. Attention, please! Listen, where’s our boy? Where’s Uncle Fyodor? Mother! Mother! Don’t worry about me! I’ll be safe with Matroskin and Sharik there! We’ll do fine! Oh, all the time I put in with you, all the nights I didn’t sleep, and look at you now… Riding away on that train. He is right to go. Better off in the village. He has no gowns to wear anyway. – Grab a seat, hunter, I’ll give you a ride.
– Thanks, Mr. Pechkin. – Say, hunter, is your aim any good?
– It sure is! Suppose I throw this hat up, will you hit it? Go on then, throw that hat of yours. I am gonna shoot it full of holes now. What is this now? It’s more fishing than it is hunting. Hey, stupid, drop the gun and surface, quick! I would, gladly, but Matroskin will have my head if I do. My gun has been paid for, and my life is free. That’s it. Consider me drowned. – Who’s there?
– It’s me, postman Pechkin, there’s a ‘missing’ ad about your boy. We don’t want any ‘missing boy’ ads. In fact, we don’t even have any boy here. Our boy lives in the city… – Who’s there?
– Caw, caw, it’s me, me, me! Hooray! At last my dear Uncle Fyodor is here! Now we are gonna store double more hay for the cow! Oh come on, you and your hay! Where’s Sharik now? There he is, back from the hunt. Some hunter… Must be carrying the kill. Oh… Like I have no better things to do except rescue drowning mutts. I never asked to be rescued. Maybe I wasn’t drowning to begin with. For all you know, I could have been scuba diving. A little something for saving our Sharik. Oh, this Sharik of ours! Some hunter he is! We pay and we pay for you, and it never pays off. What shall we do with him then? It’s the hunt that keeps him going. It is, yeah. What do you say we make him into a draft dog? We’ll get him a cart to carry milk to the market. Use him to work the kitchen garden. You there, Sharik! Say, we make you into a draft dog, huh? Do whatever you want, stuff me for all I care. Life has no meaning for me anymore. No, no, no, here’s what. I am gonna write to Mom and Dad. Have them send over a photographic gun: it’s hunting still, yet nobody has to die. Darling, shall we just leave this spa and go to Prostokvashino? Bear with me a little: I am two evening gowns down, there’s two more to go. Well, the boy might be having it hard without us. We are having it hard without him. He is having it easy. He has this cat with him, the kind that will put you to shame. He’s like a rock to him. Yeah, if I had a cat like that, I don’t think I’d ever have married. – Who’s there?
– It’s me, postman Sharik. I mean just me, Sharik. Come in. Wake up! Our cow’s had a calf! There’s my cow paying off for itself! All right guys, let’s bring him in. Yeah, and the mother too, while we’re at it. Just all we need. – Who gets to own it, though?
– What do you mean “who”. We do. No, we don’t. Who owns the cow? The state does. We just rented it, right? Which means the state owns the calf too. Sharik, Sharik, hold on there. The state does own the cow. But we get to keep the milk, the calves, or whatever comes with it. Uncle Fyodor, look here now. – Say, we rent a fridge, who owns it?
– The state does. There you go, Uncle Fyodor. And who owns the frost that comes with it? We do. That’s what we’d rent it for in the first place. Thing is we only rented one cow, and there’s two of them now. – Sharik, the receipt said one chestnut cow.
– Yeah. And we rented just one – as per the receipt. And return just one is what we’ll do, so there’s no irregularities! I don’t get what all the debate is about… Matroskin, you were going to buy the cow anyway. So buy her then, calf and all. I won’t ever leave my Moorka, not for anything. Happy as I was before, I am gonna be twice as happy now! Because I have got two cows. Gavryusha, come! Gavryusha, down! – Speak!
– Moo-o-o, Moo-o-o, Moo-o-o. Gavryusha, sic ’em! Here I am coming to you on business, and you’re butting me? Bad enough what you did to my hat… But it’s now a dud of a hat: look at all these holes! What business brings you here anyway? I am delivering a package. Except I am not giving it to you, because you don’t have any ID. Not at your age you wouldn’t. Nor with those tails for that matter. – Why would you bring it then?
– Because that is the policy! If there’s a package, I should deliver it. Seeing, though, as there’s no ID, I shouldn’t hand it over. I’ll be coming to you all week long now. Give us our package, now! What do you have for an ID? Whiskers, paws and tail! How’s that for an ID? An ID comes with a stamp. Do you have one on the tail? Nope! And those whiskers could well be fake. Oh, umph… Oh That must be my photographic gun there. – Yeah… Must be worth a fortune.
– Yes. – Here’s what I think.
– What’s that? – We’ll find a box that is just like Pechkin’s.
– And? – And when he comes again…
– We’ll do what? – We’ll switch the boxes around!
– Hooray! Gavryusha, come! Shake! – Who’s there?
– It’s me, postman Pechkin. Delivering a package. Except I am not giving it to you, because you don’t have any ID. We wouldn’t want that package anyway. What would we do with all that shoe polish? What shoe polish? Just shoe polish, you know. To polish your shoes with. Just who would send you so much? Are you opening a shoe polish store or something? That’s my uncle who sends it, he lives with this guard at a shoe polish factory. He has shoe polish coming out of his ears! So there he goes sending it to people. Shoe polish in there or not, I am not giving you the package. Can’t fool me! – Who’s there?
– You, twitter, are there. Me – I am here. Now, be quiet! If you will please not talk to our birdie this way. Snap out of it already! Better come and drink some tea, I have it all set. Hum. There you go, Mr. Pechkin. Take a seat. Pass me those candies, they are remarkable. Give it back! It’s my candy! Some people are so greedy, they just don’t know where to stop! So, Sharik, you are in the photo-hunting business now. You can take photos of animals and have them published. Right, where they pay the most. Have a good time, Uncle Fyodor. Cheer up, we will be over soon. Down to our last dress here. Mom and Dad. Ah, aren’t animals obtuse these days! I was chasing this thing for, like, half a day to get a shot! Don’t think it’s over yet. – You’ll have to chase it for another half a day now.
– Why would I? To hand over the pictures is why! Hooray! Hooray for our parents! Hooray! My dearest, my nearest! Look how you’ve filled out! Look at that tan too! Hello, and welcome to you! Why, hello there, dear Igor Ivanovich. Hold on with the kissing there, Missus. Let’s attend to the tangle first. – What tangle is that?
– Here’s what tangle! – Just look what they did to my hat!
– No! Might as well use that to strain spaghetti. Look here, Mr. Pechkin. You be quiet! A new hat will take three of you to get made. All right… All right, Mr. Pechkin, here’s some headwear for you. Just calm down, please. Nice! There are field post offices and ours is a maritime one! Ha-ha! Let me take a shot at you as a memento! Don’t you take any shots at me! I am only just starting to live, you know. In retirement. Well, I’ve realized a lot of things. If I had another life to live, I would live it here, in Prostokvashino.